Two Questions I'm Sick Of
For the most part, people offer a big congratulations when they hear that we're adopting. But even those people who offer their congratulations often follow it up with one of two questions:
Would these people ask me what my annual salary is or how much we spend on groceries or what we have in our 401k?
In some cases people ask this question because they feel that it's unethical to have to pay for a child -- some kind of 21st Century slave trade. For other people, they wonder how they heck we can afford it. And for any who know us well, we're certainly not the well-compensated or even the frugal kind. We're pretty celebratory with what little money we have. (Ah, but we've got our health...) So, in all fairness the underlying question does have merit. Still I always want to ask what they paid for their last car and how they financed that and what it's resale value will be next year (let alone in 80 years). Or I could throw out some of those figures about a child costing about $500,000 -- the price of a two-bedroom shack in So Cal -- through until the age of emancipation (currently around 30, I think, based on my own history). Consider it a downpayment, I could wittily say. But comparing a child to a car or a piece of Southern California realestate just isn't politically correct, so I don't generally make the comparison. So, how are we paying for it? A bit of savings, some generosity from friends and family, a little grant, and a bit of HELOC -- doing our part to ensure that the housing bubble doesn't come crashing down anytime soon.
The second question probably shouldn't bother me. It simply shows the mindset that they're bringing to adoption -- that it's the end of the road, after years of tracking basal body temperature, then years of IVF. If we could produce our own children, of course we would do that, right? Some people come into adoption sadly; we come in celebrating -- and I guess that it should be our opportunity to let them know that adoption is as magical, as intimate, as foreordained as natural conception ever could be. In fact, adoption is even more intentional than the age-old bump and grind method. There can be no mistaking what we are up to -- we are focused on the child, not the process. (Nothing wrong with the process in the former case, of course. Nothing at all.)
To add to these two gripes, there is one statement that I also hate to hear: "it's so good of you to do this." Yes, St. Luke and Ste. Sheri are opening our humble abode to the poor and needy around the world. A load of bunk. We didn't adopt Maya because of human rights issues in China; and we're not adopting Lu-Yu because he is abandoned and alone in Taiwan. We adopted Maya and are adopting him because they are our children -- that's as simple and pure as it gets.
- How much does it cost?
- Are your other children adopted?
Would these people ask me what my annual salary is or how much we spend on groceries or what we have in our 401k?
In some cases people ask this question because they feel that it's unethical to have to pay for a child -- some kind of 21st Century slave trade. For other people, they wonder how they heck we can afford it. And for any who know us well, we're certainly not the well-compensated or even the frugal kind. We're pretty celebratory with what little money we have. (Ah, but we've got our health...) So, in all fairness the underlying question does have merit. Still I always want to ask what they paid for their last car and how they financed that and what it's resale value will be next year (let alone in 80 years). Or I could throw out some of those figures about a child costing about $500,000 -- the price of a two-bedroom shack in So Cal -- through until the age of emancipation (currently around 30, I think, based on my own history). Consider it a downpayment, I could wittily say. But comparing a child to a car or a piece of Southern California realestate just isn't politically correct, so I don't generally make the comparison. So, how are we paying for it? A bit of savings, some generosity from friends and family, a little grant, and a bit of HELOC -- doing our part to ensure that the housing bubble doesn't come crashing down anytime soon.
The second question probably shouldn't bother me. It simply shows the mindset that they're bringing to adoption -- that it's the end of the road, after years of tracking basal body temperature, then years of IVF. If we could produce our own children, of course we would do that, right? Some people come into adoption sadly; we come in celebrating -- and I guess that it should be our opportunity to let them know that adoption is as magical, as intimate, as foreordained as natural conception ever could be. In fact, adoption is even more intentional than the age-old bump and grind method. There can be no mistaking what we are up to -- we are focused on the child, not the process. (Nothing wrong with the process in the former case, of course. Nothing at all.)
To add to these two gripes, there is one statement that I also hate to hear: "it's so good of you to do this." Yes, St. Luke and Ste. Sheri are opening our humble abode to the poor and needy around the world. A load of bunk. We didn't adopt Maya because of human rights issues in China; and we're not adopting Lu-Yu because he is abandoned and alone in Taiwan. We adopted Maya and are adopting him because they are our children -- that's as simple and pure as it gets.
posted by Luke Martin at 9:35 PM
9 Comments:
Amen!! So well stated..I think I will just print up cards with a link to this post and hand them out when I am being interrogated. I am so tired of the "why would adopt if you didn't have to" tone. Ditto with "you have a special place in heaven for doing this". Most annoying though.."He is such a lucky boy"...no..WE are the lucky ones.
Glad to hear that I'm not the only one who gets these responses. Adoption isn't a charitable act -- it's an involved and committed one for sure, but at the end of the day, we are truly the blessed ones.
Not that I know anything about this as we have not adopted any children but you probably tire of the people (like me I'm sure) that respond with a dull, blank stare since we have no great words of wisdom or witty remarks.
Then again, that's often how we slow thinkers respond to anything. So on behalf of those who think of the right things to say a day later, "Congratulations on your new baby boy! We're happy for you and your family."
Around here, we often send a meal to families with new children to help out. I think we'll pass on that idea as any meal we ship would probably be considered hazardous material by the time it got across the border.
I have anjoyed your blog, Luke, and feel included in the news! This post was especially funny and enjoyable as it just highlights the fact that people ALWAYS say stupid things! And the more we share those stupid things, the smarter we all get, right? Hopefully?
It's funny how you get sainthood for adopting but we get abusers-of-the-fragile-environment status for having a big family. Sigh. Smile.
Anyway, my question, which you're probably also sick of, is "when do you get your little guy?"
Love to all of you,
Jolie
Well Hello, I am so glad someone else feels the same way I do. The whole thing about how selfless it is for my husband and I do adopt..quite the opposite..we want children and we felt adoption was how our family was supposed to be built. Whatever child we adopt was supposed to be our child.. and the whole cost thing...we're so early in our process and I swear I get asked this everyday.
Well Hello, I am so glad someone else feels the same way I do. The whole thing about how selfless it is for my husband and I do adopt..quite the opposite..we want children and we felt adoption was how our family was supposed to be built. Whatever child we adopt was supposed to be our child.. and the whole cost thing...we're so early in our process and I swear I get asked this everyday.
Jamie! So nice of you to chime in. Sorry I missed your note until now. You're more than welcome to send the food down -- just make sure it's pickled or salted for the long journey. Or, you could always consider just dropping in and cooking it yourself right here in our humble abode!
Jolie! Lovely to hear your voice. Sheri keeps me up to date on your life in Potato Country. Yes, I don't mean to be critical of stupid things said -- I have no problem saying one or two of them a day. But I do make it a conscious effort to continually add new ones. No one likes repetitive stupidity.
And, Ann, you're one of the Yahoo Taiwan group, right? You'll get much better wisdom from them than from me. But I can echo what you say -- these children, whether born or adopted into our family, are all meant to be. That's the grand mystical foundation of life, that's what it is.
Yesireebob! I'll echo your post. The other day I heard "You two are to be commended for your generosity." WHAT? I think we're GETTING a gift, not giving one. Yegads!
BTW, I'm a Heartsent-er too. Didn't Val tell ya she had a case fly through the courts in 3 weeks??? C'mon! Cross those fingers! You gotta go sooner than June, somebody has to take pictures for me!! :)
Val
(mom to twins Katie and Krysti, 5 months old and waiting at SLC + Kyra Grace (22 months and homegrown) and Michael and Lori, both in their 20s and making me feel older by the minute!
It may be possible that some of those who are asking how much adoption costs are simply wondering if they can afford to adopt internationally as well.
It is probably best in this case -- and in life -- to assume that most people, as clumsy as they may be, mean well. Your patience with these types of 'nosey' questions might even help another couple find their children -- just like you found yours.
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